i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
