just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
