News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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