I want to have your abortion
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
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