my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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