i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
