i jhust puked up my retainher.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
