Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
