It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
