I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
