your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
