true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
