His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
