I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
