Don't make out with my wife yet
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
