We won't sleep together?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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