I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
