why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
