he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
