and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
