Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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