Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
