the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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