dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
