You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
