I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
