I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
