i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
