i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You're like the curious george of whores
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
