I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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