Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
