im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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