one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
