Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
