you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He's a Shit stain on my heart
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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