My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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