My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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