I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
