jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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