my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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