Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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