Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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