Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
