apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
