Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
