went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
