Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
