capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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