I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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