Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
