His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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