i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
